Originally written: June 25, 2019
Christians love a good love story. And more than that, Christians love to be a part of a good love story (even if it’s not their own). In every church that I have ever been a part of, there have been self-identified match makers. And this is not a bad thing. I am not writing this to discourage match making; I believe that there is a time and place for this. I have simply found that much of the match making culture that I have seen in the church is completely devoid of the sentiments that Paul shares in 1 Corinthians 7.
What do we do with 1 Corinthians 7? This is that passage where Paul wishes that all were like him: single. Often times, we go straight to verse 26 where it says: “In view of the present distress,” and completely dismiss the entire passage by claiming that these instructions were specific to that time. And while there is certainly an argument there, I just want to make sure that we aren’t throwing out the baby with the bathwater. My intent is simply to use 1 Corinthians 7 as a light to expose that much of the language we currently use in the church is unhelpful at best and anti-biblical at worst.
In the following, I will share what was said, when it was said, their good intentions, my immediate thoughts, and how we should view it in light of Scripture.
“You’re really godly. We need to get you a wife.”
A few years ago, I was sitting at a table with a group of brothers. I had just finished testifying to the Lord’s work in my life, and I could tell that whatever I just said had really encouraged the table. One brother just burst out: “You’re really godly. We need to get you a wife.”
I know that this brother was well intentioned. He was merely trying to encourage me. He saw some good in my life, and then wanted to suggest that I was deserving of something good. However, I found this comment to be extremely hurtful.
So, now that you find me to be godly, you now think that I’m deserving of a wife? As though my godliness qualifies me to be married? Or as though I have done enough to make it to the “next level” of Christianity?
My brother was simply trying to recognize faithfulness, and acknowledge that faithfulness ought to be blessed with something good. And marriage is good. But, so is singleness. Singleness is a good blessing from the Lord. Might we cultivate a spirit like Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:8, and when we see godly character say: “It is good for them to remain single.”
“I’ve got a wife for you.”
If I had a nickel for every time someone came up to me, and said: “I’ve got a wife for you.” I have heard this exact phrasing on multiple occasions. But more often, I have heard, “Brother, I have a sister that I think that you should consider.”
There was a season where it felt like, every week, someone would come up to me and tell me this. And I know that the brothers and sisters who have told me this love me, care for me, and hold my character in high regard. And again, they just want to see me blessed with a good thing. But being someone who is intentional about everything that I do, I’ve actually been quite unsettled by this.
Wow, I am flattered that you hold me in such high regard, and want to look out for me. But if you really knew me (enough to make such a big suggestion), you would know that I am actually not looking.
The issue that I take is not that someone is offering a suggestion of who I should pursue. I think that there is a place for this. What I have found to be harmful is the fact that people just assume that I am looking for someone to pursue when I have never expressed my desires to them. If someone were to be openly searching for a good thing, then I think it is appropriate for brothers and sisters to be helpful. But in my case, I had never expressed such desires (partly because I felt genuine contentment in my singleness and partly because I had my eye on a very godly girl who I was patiently waiting for). And so, I think that it would be better to just assume that, unless he has expressed his desires to be married, the single brother is content in remaining where he is. 1 Corinthians 7:24 says, “So, brothers, in whatever condition each was called, there let him remain with God.” Unless expressed otherwise (which I think could and should be a common thing), we ought to assume that a single person desires to remain as they are. And if you’re really curious, you don’t actually have to just assume; I think that an appropriate question to ask, prior to even making a suggestion, is: “Are you desiring to be in a relationship right now?”
“What’s her name?”
The Lord had just saved one of my friends. I was ecstatic! I went up to a brother at my church, and said, “I’ve got some really good news! I’ll have to tell you about it later.” To which, this brother replied: “What’s her name?”
I’ve actually had two brothers say this to me. And one of those times, I actually was about to tell him about a girl. That time, there was a bit of a shock factor: “How did you know that’s what I wanted to talk about?” And there was a part of me that really felt like he knew me. I felt cared for. So, while both brothers probably just wanted to care for me, one of those instances cut really deep.
Are you serious? Do you think that the only thing that can get a single guy so excited is some girl?
Guessing what someone will say might be accurate and even come off as discerning. However, I think that such speculation can result in much more harm than any potential good that it can accomplish. In 1 Corinthians 7:32, Paul says that, “the unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord.” What if, rather than just assuming that every single person is occupied with the thought of marriage, we assume what Scripture tells us – that an unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord. Although it won’t offer the same sensation, saying: “I had a feeling you were going to tell me about a girl when you came up to me,” after the fact is certainly a safer option.
“You need to marry______.”
I’ve literally had a brother come up to me, point at a sister in my church, and say: “You need to marry [her].”
It is clear that this brother thought very highly of me and this other sister. He just figured that it would be really cool if things could work out between us. But as you would imagine, this is extremely unhelpful.
Uhhhhh, please quit pointing. This is super awkward. So, am I just supposed to follow after your calling?
I don’t think that this is a common gesture. In fact, I’m certain that most people would cringe just reading this. But since it has happened to me, I will address this. 1 Corinthians 7:17 says: “Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him.” I don’t think that there is ever an appropriate time to tell someone who they need to marry. It can be helpful to offer suggestions (if the person has asked) or maybe even try to set up situations where two saints might interact, but if God desires this relationship, He will be the one to call the single brother.
“When you gon get married?”
As soon as a couple gets back from their honeymoon, they get asked the question: “So, when are you guys gonna have a baby?” And as soon as a single guy has been saved for longer than 2 months, they are sure to get the question: “When you gon get married?” This sounds ridiculous – two months must certainly be an exaggeration. But I have seen the conversion of three of my roommates, and like clockwork, this question came.
I’m not quite sure why this question is constantly asked. Maybe it’s because marriage just seems like the next step to life in the same way kids seem like the next step to marriage. And maybe in view of this present time, the Lord is leading many into marriage. But I think that the commonality of such a calling should not excuse the harmful pressure that this question can apply.
Again? How many people are going to ask me this? Maybe I should be thinking about marriage. I mean, everybody that I know is either married, in a relationship, or pursuing a relationship. If I don’t think about starting a family, does that mean that I don’t really care about the Kingdom – since the family is such a central institution for discipleship? But what about my sexual sin? Man, I really don’t want my sin to affect another person. I need to keep fighting. Why do people gotta keep asking me? Just another shameful reminder that I can’t overcome my sin.
I actually don’t think that this question is ever appropriate to ask. Consider the brother who you’d be asking. If they desire marriage, but are not currently pursuing marriage, then there is probably a reason. If it is because they have tried, and keep facing rejection, then asking this question will only rub an already painful wound. And if they are simply waiting on the Lord for victory against sexual immorality, this question can often lead to a feeling of shame and embarrassment. And if the brother doesn’t desire marriage, this question will only incite the pressure of needing to feel “normal”. In verse 27 of 1 Corinthians 7, Paul asks a completely different question and gives a response that we would probably never hear in our day: “…Are you free from a wife? Do not seek a wife.” Rather than speaking in a way that is culturally informed, might we seek to speak in a way that is biblically informed?
The Lord does use His people to exhort, give instruction, commend, counsel, and call other saints to obedience. But that instruction should accord with His Word.
I am aware that there are some single brothers who are complacent playing video games, who need to be pushed, and who need to be spurred on toward intentionality. But, that’s exactly what they need: an exhortation to be intentional and Christlike. They do not need an exhortation to get married. They need to be exhorted to present their bodies as living sacrifices. And if this means that they start pursuing a godly girl, praise the Lord!
* If you are reading this, and you have said some of these things to me, please know: I am not mad at you. I have felt cared for and loved and honored by you. I just think that our speech can be better informed by Scripture.