A few years ago, I wrote: 5 Harmful Things You Can Say to a Single Guy. In a way, it was an indictment on the church and the way that she speaks to and about singleness. I have found that, in many churches, the ways that we speak to singles is not aligned with (and even contradictory to) the sentiments that Paul shares in 1 Corinthians 7. I have found that the language we use can be not only hurtful, but also harmful to our single brothers as we consider our calling and identity in the context of His Kingdom.
And while it’s easy to point out the failings of the church, I think it’s necessary to put some of the responsibility on the single man. I think that there are things that he can do to help cultivate a healthy atmosphere around him.
The following exhortations are not explicit commands from Scripture. “I have no command from the Lord, but I give my judgement as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy.” I have merely found these practices to be helpful in my walk. And I believe that these practices are applicable to both single men who currently desire marriage and single men who do not currently desire marriage.
- Let your community know your desires
My greatest fear with 5 Harmful Things You Can Say to a Single Guy is that someone would read it and start walking on eggshells around singles. That is not my intention. I actually want to encourage there to be more conversations about singleness and callings. I just think that these conversations are better suited for community.
Brothers, I would encourage you to share your desires with those who are close to you. At the very least, opening up to community about your desires and perceived calling will allow for your brothers and sisters to pray for you. But I have found that it is also helpful to have a buffer to those outside of your community. Often times, people have asked those in my community about my interests and desires. And often times, my community has been able to answer on my behalf. If you desire marriage, this may lead to suggestions (for a possible match). And if you do not desire marriage, this may prevent a lot of unnecessary conversations.
- Content yourself with Christ
Calling is confusing…especially when it seems like our desires do not match the circumstances that the Lord puts us in. There are single men who do not desire marriage. And maybe I am wrong, but I would think that this is the easiest state to be content in. And I would say to you: do not find contentment in your state, but rather find your contentment in Christ. And then there are single men who desire marriage and are in a relationship that would seem to be headed in that direction. And I say to you: you are still in the state of singleness, and you should steward this time as much as possible to advance the kingdom and find contentment in Christ. I think that the saying is trustworthy: if you are not content before marriage, you will not find contentment in marriage. Now there may be more categories, but the last situation that I want to cover is the single man who desires marriage, but it just doesn’t seem like those desires are aligned with the Lord’s will. All that I can tell you is: trust God and continue to delight in Him. Psalm 37:4 says: “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” I recognize that this verse can actually be extremely discouraging. Some of you have delighted yourselves in the Lord, and it doesn’t seem like the Lord is giving you the desires of your heart. Whether you interpret “give you the desires” as “grant the desires” or “shapen the desires”, this verse will be discouraging if you desire marriage, and the Lord has prolonged your waiting. Like why does the Lord not just shapen your desires to align with His will? Why doesn’t he just take away your desire for marriage altogether? I honestly don’t know, but my exhortation remains: trust God and continue to delight in Him.
- Pursue holiness and purity
This is a MUST! If you are single and desire to be married, you MUST pursue holiness and purity. And if you are single and do not desire to be married, you MUST pursue holiness and purity.
You have heard it said: “Save yourself for marriage.” But what if you don’t desire marriage? Or what if you do, and it just seems like the Lord is closing that door? If we lean on this cliché exhortation as our motivation, the enemy will gain a foothold. Our motivation for holiness and purity must go far beyond marriage. How about this: “Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming.” How about the exhortation: fight for purity or you’re going to hell?
Or what about the reality that the call to singleness is a high calling? In 1 Corinthians 7:32-35, Paul says that the unmarried man is free from all of the anxieties that the married man has. While the married man has the responsibility of pleasing his wife, the single man doesn’t have to worry about that. The married man has his interests divided while the single man can have an undivided devotion for the Lord. Simply put: the single man has more time, energy, and resources to devote to the kingdom (I’m not saying that caring for a wife and raising children isn’t kingdom advancing work—it certainly is. But there is just a reality where the single’s devotion is more directed while the married man’s devotion is broader). I can’t help but read this passage and consider the parable of the talents. If a servant has been given more time, energy, and resources to direct to the kingdom, more will be required of him. Do not waste your talents. Do not squander your singleness. Keep your eyes, your hands, and your minds from that which is worthless. And strive to steward your time with that which is profitable.
- Be intentional about balancing your interactions
One of the most frustrating things that a single guy can do is to send mixed signals to single girls. And I think that the main cause of this happens when guys are not mindful of their interactions.
I won’t pretend to know how it all works, but I have had enough conversations with my sisters to know that attention is often equated with romantic interest. I will not go into the girl’s side as to whether or not this is right or wrong. But I do want to encourage single guys to be more intentional about balancing their interactions so that some of these issues are avoided altogether.
I don’t claim to be perfect in this, but I did have a sister commend my behavior. She told me that she was never confused about the attention I gave her because she saw it was the same attention that I gave to an 11-year-old girl and a 60-year-old married saint. It is possible, and even good, to have deep meaningful conversations with our sisters. But I think we need to be careful so as to not stir up confusion. If you are intent on pursuing a certain sister, by all means, give her special attention. But if none of those intentions are there, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have a friendship with her—I actually think that you should. I just think we need to be mindful of why we are pursuing that friendship. Do we desire friendships with girls who are around our age because we are encouraged by their wisdom and want to be directed to Christ? Or do we desire friendships with girls our age because we really do desire the attention that is reciprocated? If it is the former, then my only question is: do you have friendships with girls who are not around your age? Because with the Holy Spirit, even an 11-year-old girl can impart wisdom and direct you to Christ.
I also recognize that there are a lot of brothers who don’t even struggle with the issue of talking to other single girls. For a lot of us, we have found it easier to talk to married women (when talking to saints of the opposite gender). It’s honestly a lot easier to go deep into a conversation without worrying if you’re putting off different signals. There’s a type of “safety” in talking to someone who is already married. And again, this is good. I want to encourage deep conversations and meaningful friendships. But I do want to bring caution to this area. And that caution comes from the Ten Commandments. While talking to someone else’s wife, you shall not steal.
It’s true, we should not commit adultery. I don’t want to just brush adultery aside as though it would never happen, but I do want to bring awareness to a sin that is a lot more subtle: stealing. The greatest honor, respect, confidence, and affections belong to a wife’s husband alone. Do not make any provision for this to change. I’m not going to go into all of the boundaries that I think are necessary (each person will have their own convictions), but I will exhort you: do all that you can to honor her husband in your interactions.
- Ask about the opposite calling
For those who are single but desire marriage, I would encourage you to ask the Lord if He might be calling you to singleness. And for those who are single, and have always been single, I would encourage you to ask the Lord if you should consider marriage.
One of my favorite authors is Nancy Leigh DeMoss Wolgemuth. I read a good amount of her writings as a teenager and was so encouraged by the way that she stewarded her singleness. In 2015, she got married at the age of 57. And I think that just really opened my eyes to the fact that the Lord can change your calling at any time. I know that you cannot always judge the Lord’s will by the fruit of ministry. But it does seem as though our sister was called to singleness for the first 56 years of her life. And then, she was called to be married. And so, my exhortation is to consider the opposite calling. Ask the Lord where He wants you, and do not hold anything (even your perceived calling) with a tight fist.
- Hang out with families
Singleness is lonely. And naturally, there is a tendency for singles to fight this loneliness by hanging out with other singles who are experiencing the same loneliness. And this is not a bad thing. I think that there is certainly a place for this. Hanging with other singles is good (it’s actually my next point). But I think we need to be extremely careful. We cannot believe the lie that we are the only ones who are lonely.
Singles are not alone in their loneliness. Families in the church can be just as, if not more, lonely. Consider a young couple who used to be in the singles’ crowd. They used to be invited to all of the game nights and the late evening get-togethers. But now they have a kid who has to go down at 7pm. Not only are they not able to fellowship, but they usually aren’t even invited to make that decision.
Sometimes we assume that we are the only ones who are not invited in the fellowship. I know that we go to church, and we see families who are in the same season of life chatting, and we just assume that they are always fellowshipping without us singles. But that’s not always true. More likely, those families are connecting at church because they aren’t able to fellowship during the week. And so, I want to give a strong exhortation to care for those who are lonely: singles, married without children, married with children, empty nesters, and literally every Christian. Don’t believe the lie that singles are alone in their loneliness.
- Hang out with singles
I’ll be honest: I really struggle in this area. But although I continue to fail in this area, I feel very strongly about this exhortation—enough to make it my final point.
When I hang out with families, I always try to use those opportunities to glean wisdom. How does he lead his family in worship? What are the thoughtful ways that he cares for his wife? What is it about her speech that calms these children? I tend to hang out with families because I value godly examples of marriage and parenting. And yet, I have found in my heart that I also hang out with families because I have de-valued singles. This is wrong, and I am seeking to grow in this area. Singles not only have gifts like evangelism, hospitality, and faith that are worth imitating, but even if you look to the single example of Paul, you’ll see that they are also filled with all sorts of wisdom on marriage and parenting. And so, I exhort you as I exhort myself: hang out with singles.
Another reason why this exhortation is necessary is because we can often feel like hanging out with singles only increases our feeling of loneliness. What do I mean? Well, if you’re single, and you are hanging out with a lot of singles, it’s pretty likely that some of your friends will “move on” from singleness and get married. I have found this to be a particular struggle with my brothers who struggle with same-sex attraction. And there is a temptation to just pull away. There is a temptation to not have to go through that pain and to only hang out with those who are already married. I would encourage you not to do that. I would encourage you to balance the relationships that you have, but to not pull away completely. The Lord knows your pain. Trust Him with your pain.
These exhortations come from my own self-perceived wisdom. Although I like to think that most of my thoughts are biblical, none of these exhortations come explicitly from Scripture. I hope that my ideas would provoke thought and conversation within the Body. So, take what is helpful and disregard what is not.